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| media || secret diaries |
| THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF MERIADOC BRANDYBUCK |
DAY ONE
Got in trouble for setting off fireworks at party.
Suspect Gandalf not actually all that annoyed and was merely excuse to get us
young hobbit boys wet and lathered up. Became even more suspicious when "washing
dishes" punishment followed by "polishing Gandalf's staff" punishment and
"massaging Gandalf's feet" punishment and "nude leapfrog in the cabbage patch"
punishment, I mean, who's he trying to kid, really? Especially with the foot
thing.
DAY TWO
V. promising start to day when
discovered carrot that was just right shape. Even more promising when Pippin
nabbed six cabbages, two bags potatoes, and three ears corn, although cannot
help but think Pippin being slightly over-optimistic. I mean, could probably
manage two ears corn, but not before breakfast.
All went downhill though
when bumped into Frodo and faithful bit of rough trade, whoops, loyal manservant
Sam, in cornfield. Pippin was prevented from extended cuddle with Frodo by Sam,
who in v. surprising butch moment tossed Pippin down a cliff. In ensuing scuffle
carrot was broken. Am v. sad.
DAY THREE
Cutting across
country with Frodo, Sam and Pippin. Are being pursued by overdressed and v.
crabby set of riders in outdated black ensembles. As told Gandalf "The Gray"
earlier, monochromatic look is so out. Wonder if Frodo avoiding bad
breakup or jealous exes? Have heard hobbit-swapping all the rage up in Hobbiton
currently, although would not go in for that sort of thing myself.
DAY FIVE
Everything going from bad to worse. Stop-off in
Bree resulted in pick-up of disaffected and unshaven human who is obviously
pervy hobbit-fancier, not that anyone listens to me. Insisted we all share bed
in his room instead of going back to own perfectly nice quarters, then hung
about all night most likely hoping for mad hobbit foursome under the sheets.
Didn't happen, but did have to spend all night hanging on to Pippin's belt to
prevent him from climbing right over Sam and onto Frodo. Does Pippin have death
wish, or what?
DAY SIX
Was woken up most unpleasantly as
was being tickled by hobbit-fancying human. Told him to sod off and he said
"That's not what you said last night." After moment of confusion realized he
thought I was Pippin. Explained. Human slunk away, most embarrassed, after
explaining, "I'm really meant to be King, you know." Sure he is, and I'm the Elf
Queen of Mirkwood.
DAY SEVEN
In Rivendell. Have been stuck
sleeping right next to bathroom. Splashing noises all night long and strawberry
soap suds making floors all slippery. Woke up last night only to discover Elrond
had crawled into bed with me. Extricated himself with much embarrassment after
realizing hobbit he was groping under bedsheets was not Pippin. Have decided to
invest in name tag.
DAY NINE
Have fixed carrot with
special elf glue. Go me!
DAY ELEVEN
Have agreed to go on
Quest to keep eye on Pippin. Also curious to see what will happen with Frodo, as
Aragorn most obviously fancies him. Sam will of course kill him if he tries
anything.
Hope he tries something.
DAY FIFTEEN
Boromir teaching us how to swordfight. Typical human, most unsubtle,
always dropping sword down trousers and asking us "little ones" to come and get
it. Boromir had a go at ruffling Frodo's hair today and Aragorn almost snicked
off his head. Humans so amusing. Caught Pippin eyeing the elf doing his morning
exercises today but managed to distract him with an eggplant. Do not know what
will do when run out of vegetables.
DAY SIXTEEN
Boromir asked me to go for walk with him. Am not falling for old
'Horn of Gondor' trick. Am not. Am not. Oh, bloody hell. Just this
once.
DAY NINETEEN
Am in bad mood. Boromir called me
"Pippin" at most inopportune time. Pointed out to him that I am Merry and that
we have been conducting meaningful relationship for three weeks, but he just
laughed and patted my head. Realize he actually cannot tell me apart from Pippin
either. Am doomed to be Indistinguishable Backup Hobbit forever, even in matters
of romance. Am considering dramatic haircut, perhaps mohawk of some
sort.
DAY TWENTY
Got mohawk but no one can see it as
is v. dark in Mines of Moria. Is difficult to keep eye on Pippin properly. Woke
up to discover Legolas sneaking under covers with me. Told him was not Pippin.
Legolas said, "Not much difference really, eh?" In ensuing scuffle broke my
carrot again. Gave to Gandalf to fix. Gandalf said, "Fool of a Took! I have
better things to do than mend your vegetables." Did not correct Gandalf, as am
afraid of pointy hat.
DAY TWENTY-TWO
Gandalf fell into
shadow. Took carrot with him. Am most miffed. Did best to comfort Pippin, but
Pippin far more cheered by Legolas' nude rendition of Silmarillion: The
Musical. Could not watch myself ‚ far too many high kicks.
DAY
TWENTY-EIGHT
In Lothlorien. Was visited by no less than fifty elves
and a woodchuck last night, all convinced was Pippin. Pippin of course nowhere
to be found, probably off with Boromir. Something must be done. Woodchuck
awfully persistent. PerhapsÖ.no, certainly not.
DAY THIRTY
Kidnapped by orcs. All according to plan. Have told Pippin will have
to shag our way out of captivity. Pippin seeming pleased. Wait till he realizes
I meant he will have to shag me to get out of captivity. In addition,
orcs have given me brand new carrot as reward for my having painted large yellow
target marks on Boromir while he was not looking. All in all a v. good
day.
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STONE OF DESTINY (2008)
adventure/comedy
DOMINATOR X (2008)
GLENN (2008)
